I am me, and that is enough as I was created complete………I am me, and I was created worthy as
well………I am me, and I was created with a spark of the divine already in me………I am me, and there
is no need for me to be fearful as I was also created fearless…………I am me, and I already have what
I desire………. I am me so I can stop trying to prove myself to others and my own self…….I am me and
that is enough…..as I was created enough….I am me and when did I start thinking I was not enough, not
worthy, not complete, and fearful………..when I wonder?……….I am me so I have enough, am enough,
and do enough……….I don’t have to earn more to have enough…..I don’t have to strive to be anything
to be enough…and I don’t have to do a thing to prove anything to anyone that I am enough…..as I am
me! I wonder when what is in the ‘outer’ became more important to me that what is in my ‘inner’?
…as what is in my ‘inner’ controls the ‘outer’…I wonder when I started judging myself by how I looked
in the ‘outer’? I wonder when I started to judge myself by what I have in the ‘outer’? I wonder when
I started to judge others how they looked and what they had in the ‘outer’? I am me…enough said.

I CAN NOT TELL YOU HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE ASKED MYSELF THAT LATEY.  SEEMS THERE IS CRAZY TO THE RIGHT, CRAZY TO THE LEFT, MALE CRAZY, FEMALE CRAZY, RICH CRAZY, POOR CRAZY, COUNTRY CRAZY, CITY CRAZY, YOUNG CRAZY, OLD CRAZY, WHITE CRAZY, BLACK CRAZY, AND YELLOW CRAZY. ALSO, IT SEEMS TO ME THAT WE, IN THE UNITED STATES, DON’T HAVE THE MARKET CORNERED ON CRAZY EITHER.  THERE IS EUROPE CRAZY, ASIA CRAZY, SOUTH AMERICA CRAZY, MIDDLE EAST CRAZY, ANDAFRICACRAZY. AS I WAS DRIVING HOME FROM THE UNIVERSITY THE OTHER NIGHT AND LISTENING TO MY RADIO I, ONCE AGAIN, WAS ASKING MYSELF HAS THE WHOLE WORLD GONE FRIGGEN CRAZY?  I PONDERED ON THAT QUESTION FOR QUITE SOME TIME AND REALIZED THAT I COULDN’T ANSWER THAT QUESTION.  THEN I THOUGHT MAYBE THAT WAS NOT THE QUESTION I SHOULD BE ASKING.  MAYBE I SHOULD BE ASKING ‘HAVE I GONE CRAZY’?  YOU SEE I REALIZED THAT THERE IS NOT MUCH I COULD DO ABOUT THE WHOLE WORLD, BUT I THINK THAT THERE ARE A FEW THINGS ABOUT MY OWN MENTAL STATE OFBEINGTHAT I COULD EXAMINE.  SO I ASKED MYSELF ‘HAVE I GONE FRIGGEN CRAZY’?  AGAIN, I PONDERED ON THE QUESTION.  SINCE IT IS A TWO AND A HALF HOUR DRIVE HOME FROM THE UNIVERSITY, I HAD LOTS OF TIME TO PONDER.  AS I WAS THINKING, A CHECK LIST BEGAN TO FORM.  DO I HAVE A DESIRE TO HURT MYSELF OR SOMEONE ELSE?  I HAVE BELIEVED FOR A LONG TIME THAT HEALTHY PEOPLE DO NOT HURT THEMSELVES OR OTHERS. HAVE I DEVELOPED A JUDGEMENTAL ATTITUDE WHICH ASSUMES THAT IF SOMEONE DOESN’T THINK THE WAY I THINK OR ACT THE WAY I ACT THAT THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG AND I MUST SEE TO IT THAT THEY CHANGE, OR AM I TOLERANT OF OTHER KINDS OF THOUGHTS AND LIFESTYLES.  DO I FEEL THE NEED TO LEGISLATE MY WAY OF THINKING AND OR ACTING TO FORCE THEM TO CHANGE?  CAN I EMBRACE DIFFERENCES?  CAN I LISTEN TO OTHERS AS THEY EXPRESS THEIR THOUGHTS?  OR DO I GO INTO EVERY DISCUSSION WITH THE NOTION THAT I AM RIGHT AND THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG?  DO I HAVE COMPASSION FOR THOSE WHO THINK AND ACT DIFFERENTLY?  AS I WAS PONDERING MY CHECK LIST TO SEE IF I WAS FRIGGEN CRAZY I THOUGHT OF THE POEM THAT I WAS REQUIRED TO MEMORIZE IN THE 8TH GRADE BY RUDYARD KIPLING ENTILTED “IF”.  I CERTAINLY DIDN’T REMEMBER THE WHOLE POEM, BUT I REMEMBERED IT BEGAN WITH

“IF YOU CAN KEEP YOUR HEAD WHEN ALL ABOUT YOU ARE LOSING THEIRS AND BLAMING IT ON YOU, IF YOU CAN TRUST YOURSELF WHEN ALL MEN DOUBT YOU, BUT MAKE ALLOWANCES FOR THEIR DOUBTING TOO, IF YOU CAN WAIT AND NOT BE TIRED BY WAITING, OR BEING LIED ABOUT, DON’T DEAL IN LIES, OR BEING HATED, DON’T GIVE WAY TO HATING, AND YET DON’T LOOK TOO GOOD, NOT TALK TOO WISE”, AND HE CONCLUDED BY “THEN YOU WILL BE A MAN, MY SON!”

MY LIST GREW TO INCLUDE CAN I BE REASONED WITH?   I HAVE A PRETTY GOOD HUNCH THAT ONE CAN NOT REASON WITH CRAZY.  ANOTHER BIGGIE ON MY LIST WAS HAVE I LOST MY SENSE OF HUMOR?  I LOVE THE QUOTE BY VOLTAIRE WHICH SAYS “GOD IS A COMEDIAN WORKING TO AN AUDIENCE TOO AFRAID TO LAUGH”.   CAN I STILL LAUGH AT MYSELF AND MY HUMANITY?  HAVE I GOTTEN COMPLETELY SUCKED INTO SERIOUSNESS?  AND FINALLY, I ASKED MYSELF AS I PULLED INTO MY DRIVEWAY, IS MY HEART STILL OPEN TO LOVE?  NOT JUST LOVE FOR THOSE WHO THINK AND ACT THE WAY I DO, BUT FOR ALL?  OR HAS FEAR FILLED MY HEART AND I NOW THINK IT IS UP TO ME TO STRAIGHTEN UP THIS WORLD?  DO I HAVE MOSTLY FEAR IN MY HEART OR DO I HAVE MOSTLY LOVE?   HAS THE WORLD GONE FRIGGEN COMPLETELY CRAZY?  I GUESS I HAVE TO STOP ASKING MYSELF THAT QUESTION AND START CONCENTRATING ON MYSELF AND WHAT I CAN DO TO LIVE IN LOVE, COMPASSION, OPENNESS TO DIVERSITY, HUMOR, AND NOT COMPLETELY FILL MY HEART WITH  FEAR.  MY FINAL HUNCH AS I WALKED INTO THE HOUSE IS THAT IF I FOCUS ON MY OWN HEART MY WORLD WILL KIND OF TAKE CARE OF ITSELF.

The way of surrender lets us know who is really in charge of this journey……….we can keep working on our own weak will, or we can surrender to the One who created this whole journey with its unlimited power………now that is a no brainer………but ego keeps us continuing to struggle with our own will……….and One just giggles………surrendering frees us of our struggle and gives us a chance to experience the real joy of this journey……….surrendering allows us to play with life instead of working at life……….surrendering our will opens the whole rainbow of possibilities that is our birthright………surrendering doesn’t mean we lose……..it just frees us to experience greater dreams than we could ever make happen ourselves……….surrendering doesn’t mean that we stop pursuing our dreams……….It just lets us give our efforts over to the One who makes all things possible……….surrendering gives us assurance that all things are possible………surrendering for the control freak is such a leap of faith……….the One keeps banging on the hood of the control freak so they will finally let go, but instead the control freak sometimes holds on even tighter……….finally the bangs are so painful that the control freak lets go and lets the One deliver……….and the One giggles……….and so does the “former” control freak……….and then wonders what took them so long to let go……….surrendering can be done by simply saying and believing “thy will be done”………or after much banging it can be done by saying “I give up, I just can’t do this anymore!”……….your choice……….the One giggles either way……….the journey of life is meant to be a cake walk……….a garden of Eden. But without surrendering we turn it into a rock and a hard place……….your choice……….

A righteous journey usually starts with a meltdown……a meltdown that hurts like hell…..a meltdown that touches your very existence……some call it the dark night of the soul…….whatever you want to call it……It sucks!……..It hurts!…….It leaves you dazed, confused, and covered with anguish……….you know it when it hits……and so does everyone around you……they sense it in you…….and they know you are beginning your righteous journey…..your trip into Alice in wonderland existence where up is down…….down is up……..right is left…….safe is scary……and everything you thought you knew is somehow eliminated……..a place where you are a stranger…….where your demons come to great you and play with you at will……..where life has no meaning……..and where it is a struggle to get to the next minute………It is even a struggle to convince yourself that you even want to get to the next minute………It is a place where your pain and anguish color everything with a black and gray tint……..at first I tried to convince myself that I could ‘think’ my way out of this place……..change my thoughts change my world is what I told myself……..I wanted out so desperately …….and why?……that is simple ……..I didn’t want to feel the unbearable pain……..sorrow…and grief……..but it became very clear to me early on that I was not going to tap dance my way out of this place with my ‘happy thoughts’………I continued on in this place, unable to leave, and unable to control anything……I was powerless……..totally vulnerable to whatever wanted to come my way……vulnerable to my own demons………I soon realized that the harder I tried to leave this place the worse it got..It was like putting on chinese handcuffs…my only semi-relief was to surrender…and even that was short lived………….I kept praying that I would be freed from this pain………I begged……..I pleaded….I made deals……..but my prayers felt on deaf ears…….or so I thought…..I soon began to think that this was a punishment for my past actions….. I was to begin this punishment for whatever bad karma I had gathered…….so again I got down on my knees and prayed for forgiveness and begged to be released from this prison………and once again my prayers went unanswered………or so I thought……..days turned into weeks…weeks turned into months….and months turned into years……….soon though my sorrow turned into anger…….anger at the freak who invented this pile of shit trip……..anger at what had happened to me to trigger my pain…….and my anger allowed me to be the victim…..this eased my pain for a very short time…….then I realized that nothing I could do would ease this pain and get me back to my ‘life’…..then one night while I was up unable to sleep, which happened quite often, something told me to just sit with my pain, to stop trying to push it way……….so I began a long period of time imaging that I had an old folding yard chair and I would just sit there with my pain…often the pain would talk to me…..yell at me……..trying the whole time to get me to react to it………but I just sat there……….didn’t talk back…………didn’t ignore it……..didn’t do a thing except sit……….eventually I got to where I would outlast my demons and they would leave for awhile………they would return, but I felt good for a short time…..then one night as I was just sitting in my lawn chair it came to me…….this was not a punishment……this was not even a ‘bad and terrible’ thing………..It was terribly painful experience, but maybe, just maybe it was a righteous journey into myself……..maybe it was to help me grow….to go beyond what I thought I was and what I could do………maybe the event that triggered my entering this journey was a call from the universe that I was ready to grow…..to go beyond who I was at the time to become a stronger spirit and person……..who knows?………..to this day I tear up when I hear of others who have also gone through this journey or who are now still in this journey…….for I know the pain that they have felt or are now feeling……..and I want to help………but you see, I think this is a journey that they have to face alone……there are no 10 steps of things to do on this journey, for each persons lessons are different…….and each persons way is different on what they need to do in this journey……….for we are all deaf, dumb, and blind on this journey and only we can know what we need to do………….each person’s path on this journey takes a different amount of time…each person’s path is loaded with its own demons, lessons, and comforts……..and only they can work that out…..I can only send them my love………..my warmth……..my desire that they find what they need to find and come out on the other side of this journey to claim their gift………..as I am convinced that everyone that goes through this journey has a wonderful gift waiting for them ………like the caterpillar who enters its cocoon and when that journey is over is transformed into a butterfly with its gift of a new set of wings, we who complete our journey are given our gift and set free……..set free to realize that this was our righteous journey!