As I woke up I thought “oh God, another Valentines Day alone”. I was not looking forward to another one alone.  My wife was killed by a man several years ago and since then Valentines Days have been rough.  My next thought was “road trip!”  I have done that many times in the past several years.  I live in the Charlotte, NC area and I drive to my favorite beach only 2 1/2 hours away.  I drive, sit on the beach for several hours, go to my favorite restaurant, and then drive home all in the same day.  So with my IPod all charged up, a nice hot cup of tea, and a full tank of gas I took off.  About half way there something told me to turn off the music and just be, so I did, and I just was.  As time went on I began thinking of my life, and what an incredible life I had lived.  They say when one is about to die your whole life flashes in front of you, and to some extent that is what happened to me.  I thought of my wonderful childhood filled with love and laughter from an amazing family, I thought of my high school and college days that were also filled with so much fun.  I thought of my travels and how I lived in Hawaii, San Diego, Chicago, and Florida.  I thought of the fact that I had gotten my Ph.D., been a university professor, an author, and a keynote speaker.  I thought of how I had three TV shows and had been nominated twice for an Emmy Award and actually won one the second time!.I had thought about my three amazing children who I adored and who adored me.  What a life, but then the interesting stuff began. Three weeks after I won the Emmy my show was cancelled, my wife and I got divorced, I lost a $300,000 deal with PBS for a 15 part video series that I had already completed, I lost a $20,000 ten city speaking tour with Hardee’s Corp., and finally, I was sued for $5,000,000 for reporting a possible child sexual abuse case to DSS on a man.  As I was driving my head started spinning as I was remembering all of this.  I then remembered how I got it all together after all of that and two years later I quit my tenured full professorship at the university to follow my dream of helping kids using my TV show and I got all the money I could beg, borrow, and steal (just teasing about the stealing part) and financed the show myself.  I had hired a professional fund raiser who assured me that I would get my money back after she got corporate funding.  Again, we helped a lot of kids, but I lost every dime as we were unable to get funding.  I was without a job, money, a house, and I had two kids in college.  I again made it through that, but one year late I had to declare bankruptcy.  That one hurt!  I kept on going and several years later I found a lovely lady.  We dated for two years and finally got married.  Two months after we were married she, out of the blue, told me to get checked out at the doctor’s office.  She had a hunch something was wrong.  Was she ever right!!  I had what is called ‘a widow maker’ which is 98% blockage in my left main artery.  One does not have any symptoms, one just falls over dead.  My wife literally saved my life and I had open heart surgery immediately.  Since I didn’t have a heart attack my heart was healthy and ready to go.  Three years later, the woman who saved my life was murdered by a man.  Her body was hidden in a closet and for a month we didn’t know where she was.  Once discovered, I had to get dental records to identify her body.  Finally, eight weeks ago I had major back surgery.  As I drove on to my favorite beach I felt it all coming back to me.  I began feeling like a beaten puppy waiting for my master to beat me again.  Then something wonderful happened.  As I looked at my past and remembered all the thing that had happened to me, the good, bad, and the ugly something wonderful happened.  All of sudden I had my MOMENT OF CLARITY. Instead of feeling like a beaden puppy, I was amazed how well I had done getting through all of this insanity.  I realized that I had walked barefoot through hell.  I had gone through the dark night of my soul and come out with my heart still fairly open, my sense of humor still with me, and with the sparkle still in my eyes.  The beaten puppy feelings were replaced with a strange and wonderful feeling of confidence, of strength, and even gratitude for these experiences for they brought me to this magical moment of clarity.  I began looking through the lenses of the divine instead of the lenses of fear.  I saw myself as a magnificent spirit who had just had an magnificent series of experiences that transformed me from the fearful catapillar to the the radiant butterfly.  I was filled with confidence, strength, and a peace filled feeling that I had never experienced.  I am not sharing this with you to brag about what I have done.  That would be asking my master for more beatings, and to be honest, I have had enough of that, but I am sharing this with you to let you know that no matter what you are going through, no matter who your are, and no matter what you have or haven’t done in the past that this MOMENT OF CLARITY is yours to have as well.  You can pray for whatever you want, but I would ask that you try to merely open your heart to your MOMENT OF CLARITY and know that it is possible for you as well.  This is my wish for you, this is my hope for you, and this is my dream for you.  May you experience this MOMENT OF CLARITY as see your world for what it is, and not what you are afraid it might be.  Happy Valentines Day to you no matter what the day is!

I am me, and that is enough as I was created complete………I am me, and I was created worthy as
well………I am me, and I was created with a spark of the divine already in me………I am me, and there
is no need for me to be fearful as I was also created fearless…………I am me, and I already have what
I desire………. I am me so I can stop trying to prove myself to others and my own self…….I am me and
that is enough…..as I was created enough….I am me and when did I start thinking I was not enough, not
worthy, not complete, and fearful………..when I wonder?……….I am me so I have enough, am enough,
and do enough……….I don’t have to earn more to have enough…..I don’t have to strive to be anything
to be enough…and I don’t have to do a thing to prove anything to anyone that I am enough…..as I am
me! I wonder when what is in the ‘outer’ became more important to me that what is in my ‘inner’?
…as what is in my ‘inner’ controls the ‘outer’…I wonder when I started judging myself by how I looked
in the ‘outer’? I wonder when I started to judge myself by what I have in the ‘outer’? I wonder when
I started to judge others how they looked and what they had in the ‘outer’? I am me…enough said.

I CAN NOT TELL YOU HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE ASKED MYSELF THAT LATEY.  SEEMS THERE IS CRAZY TO THE RIGHT, CRAZY TO THE LEFT, MALE CRAZY, FEMALE CRAZY, RICH CRAZY, POOR CRAZY, COUNTRY CRAZY, CITY CRAZY, YOUNG CRAZY, OLD CRAZY, WHITE CRAZY, BLACK CRAZY, AND YELLOW CRAZY. ALSO, IT SEEMS TO ME THAT WE, IN THE UNITED STATES, DON’T HAVE THE MARKET CORNERED ON CRAZY EITHER.  THERE IS EUROPE CRAZY, ASIA CRAZY, SOUTH AMERICA CRAZY, MIDDLE EAST CRAZY, ANDAFRICACRAZY. AS I WAS DRIVING HOME FROM THE UNIVERSITY THE OTHER NIGHT AND LISTENING TO MY RADIO I, ONCE AGAIN, WAS ASKING MYSELF HAS THE WHOLE WORLD GONE FRIGGEN CRAZY?  I PONDERED ON THAT QUESTION FOR QUITE SOME TIME AND REALIZED THAT I COULDN’T ANSWER THAT QUESTION.  THEN I THOUGHT MAYBE THAT WAS NOT THE QUESTION I SHOULD BE ASKING.  MAYBE I SHOULD BE ASKING ‘HAVE I GONE CRAZY’?  YOU SEE I REALIZED THAT THERE IS NOT MUCH I COULD DO ABOUT THE WHOLE WORLD, BUT I THINK THAT THERE ARE A FEW THINGS ABOUT MY OWN MENTAL STATE OFBEINGTHAT I COULD EXAMINE.  SO I ASKED MYSELF ‘HAVE I GONE FRIGGEN CRAZY’?  AGAIN, I PONDERED ON THE QUESTION.  SINCE IT IS A TWO AND A HALF HOUR DRIVE HOME FROM THE UNIVERSITY, I HAD LOTS OF TIME TO PONDER.  AS I WAS THINKING, A CHECK LIST BEGAN TO FORM.  DO I HAVE A DESIRE TO HURT MYSELF OR SOMEONE ELSE?  I HAVE BELIEVED FOR A LONG TIME THAT HEALTHY PEOPLE DO NOT HURT THEMSELVES OR OTHERS. HAVE I DEVELOPED A JUDGEMENTAL ATTITUDE WHICH ASSUMES THAT IF SOMEONE DOESN’T THINK THE WAY I THINK OR ACT THE WAY I ACT THAT THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG AND I MUST SEE TO IT THAT THEY CHANGE, OR AM I TOLERANT OF OTHER KINDS OF THOUGHTS AND LIFESTYLES.  DO I FEEL THE NEED TO LEGISLATE MY WAY OF THINKING AND OR ACTING TO FORCE THEM TO CHANGE?  CAN I EMBRACE DIFFERENCES?  CAN I LISTEN TO OTHERS AS THEY EXPRESS THEIR THOUGHTS?  OR DO I GO INTO EVERY DISCUSSION WITH THE NOTION THAT I AM RIGHT AND THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG?  DO I HAVE COMPASSION FOR THOSE WHO THINK AND ACT DIFFERENTLY?  AS I WAS PONDERING MY CHECK LIST TO SEE IF I WAS FRIGGEN CRAZY I THOUGHT OF THE POEM THAT I WAS REQUIRED TO MEMORIZE IN THE 8TH GRADE BY RUDYARD KIPLING ENTILTED “IF”.  I CERTAINLY DIDN’T REMEMBER THE WHOLE POEM, BUT I REMEMBERED IT BEGAN WITH

“IF YOU CAN KEEP YOUR HEAD WHEN ALL ABOUT YOU ARE LOSING THEIRS AND BLAMING IT ON YOU, IF YOU CAN TRUST YOURSELF WHEN ALL MEN DOUBT YOU, BUT MAKE ALLOWANCES FOR THEIR DOUBTING TOO, IF YOU CAN WAIT AND NOT BE TIRED BY WAITING, OR BEING LIED ABOUT, DON’T DEAL IN LIES, OR BEING HATED, DON’T GIVE WAY TO HATING, AND YET DON’T LOOK TOO GOOD, NOT TALK TOO WISE”, AND HE CONCLUDED BY “THEN YOU WILL BE A MAN, MY SON!”

MY LIST GREW TO INCLUDE CAN I BE REASONED WITH?   I HAVE A PRETTY GOOD HUNCH THAT ONE CAN NOT REASON WITH CRAZY.  ANOTHER BIGGIE ON MY LIST WAS HAVE I LOST MY SENSE OF HUMOR?  I LOVE THE QUOTE BY VOLTAIRE WHICH SAYS “GOD IS A COMEDIAN WORKING TO AN AUDIENCE TOO AFRAID TO LAUGH”.   CAN I STILL LAUGH AT MYSELF AND MY HUMANITY?  HAVE I GOTTEN COMPLETELY SUCKED INTO SERIOUSNESS?  AND FINALLY, I ASKED MYSELF AS I PULLED INTO MY DRIVEWAY, IS MY HEART STILL OPEN TO LOVE?  NOT JUST LOVE FOR THOSE WHO THINK AND ACT THE WAY I DO, BUT FOR ALL?  OR HAS FEAR FILLED MY HEART AND I NOW THINK IT IS UP TO ME TO STRAIGHTEN UP THIS WORLD?  DO I HAVE MOSTLY FEAR IN MY HEART OR DO I HAVE MOSTLY LOVE?   HAS THE WORLD GONE FRIGGEN COMPLETELY CRAZY?  I GUESS I HAVE TO STOP ASKING MYSELF THAT QUESTION AND START CONCENTRATING ON MYSELF AND WHAT I CAN DO TO LIVE IN LOVE, COMPASSION, OPENNESS TO DIVERSITY, HUMOR, AND NOT COMPLETELY FILL MY HEART WITH  FEAR.  MY FINAL HUNCH AS I WALKED INTO THE HOUSE IS THAT IF I FOCUS ON MY OWN HEART MY WORLD WILL KIND OF TAKE CARE OF ITSELF.

I AM THE LIGHT REGARDLESS OF MY AGE – FROM INFANCY TO OLD AGE
I AM THE LIGHT REGARLESS OF MY HEALTH –IN DISEASE AND IN EASE
I AM THE LIGHT RELARDLESS OF MY BANK ACCOUNT – IN DEBT AND IN LUXURY
I AM THE LIGHT REGARDLESS OF MY MENTAL HEALTH – IN DEPRESSION AND JOY
I AM THE LIGHT REGARDLESS OF MY JOB – OR EVEN LACK OF JOB
I AM THE LIGHT REGARDLESS OF THE COLOR OF MY SKIN – FROM BLACK TO WHITE
AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN
I AM THE LIGHT REGARDLESS OF MY PAST – IT JUST DOESN’T MATTER
I AM THE LIGHT REGARDLESS OF THE SHAPE OF BODY – ROCK SOLID OR
COUCH POTATO
I AM THE LIGHT REGARDLESS OF WHAT OTHERS SAY OR BELIEVE ABOUT ME-
FROM HERD TO HEEL – IT JUST DOESN’T MATTER
I AM THE LIGHT REGARDLESS OF WHAT I BELIEVE ABOUT MYSELF – FROM SAINT TO
SINNER – IT JUST DOESN’T MATTER
I AM THE LIGHT REGARDLES IF I AM GETTING WHAT I WANT OR NOT IN MY LIFE –
IN SUCCESS AND IN FAILURE I’M THE SAME
I AM THE LIGHT REGARDLESS IF I AM LAUGHING OR CRYING
I AM THE LIGHT REGARDLESS OF WHAT MY PARENTS DID OR DIDN’T DO TO ME –
I AM THE LIGHT – ALWAYS HAVE BEEN – ALWAYS WILL BE – IT WAS A GIFT AT BIRTH-
MY INHERITENCE SO TO SPEAK – FROM SOURCE
I AM THE LIGHT – AND THIS LIGHT CAN NEVER GO OUT – I CAN ONLY COVER IT UP
WITH MY FEARS AND DOUBTS
I AM THE LIGHT – AND BY FACING MY FEAR AND DOUBT MONSTERS I UNCOVER THIS
MAGNIFICENT LIGHT FROM WITHIN
I AM THE LIGHT – AND I WAS CREATED TO DISCOVER THIS LIGHT – AND THE JOY,
PEACE, AND LOVE THAT IT BRINGS TO ME!
I AM THE LIGHT – ENOUGH SAID!

The way of surrender lets us know who is really in charge of this journey……….we can keep working on our own weak will, or we can surrender to the One who created this whole journey with its unlimited power………now that is a no brainer………but ego keeps us continuing to struggle with our own will……….and One just giggles………surrendering frees us of our struggle and gives us a chance to experience the real joy of this journey……….surrendering allows us to play with life instead of working at life……….surrendering our will opens the whole rainbow of possibilities that is our birthright………surrendering doesn’t mean we lose……..it just frees us to experience greater dreams than we could ever make happen ourselves……….surrendering doesn’t mean that we stop pursuing our dreams……….It just lets us give our efforts over to the One who makes all things possible……….surrendering gives us assurance that all things are possible………surrendering for the control freak is such a leap of faith……….the One keeps banging on the hood of the control freak so they will finally let go, but instead the control freak sometimes holds on even tighter……….finally the bangs are so painful that the control freak lets go and lets the One deliver……….and the One giggles……….and so does the “former” control freak……….and then wonders what took them so long to let go……….surrendering can be done by simply saying and believing “thy will be done”………or after much banging it can be done by saying “I give up, I just can’t do this anymore!”……….your choice……….the One giggles either way……….the journey of life is meant to be a cake walk……….a garden of Eden. But without surrendering we turn it into a rock and a hard place……….your choice……….

what’s going on?….I ask myself that question daily……reports of extreme come flying in from all over the world…..extreme weather….extreme poverty……extreme riches……extreme hatred….extreme sports…extreme eating….extreme body deodorant…extreme news reporting…extreme cures for almost anything….and even, and oh so infrequent, extreme love…….extreme seems to be the “in thing” these days……emotions are running to the extreme as well………intolerance, hatred, lies, semi-lies and twisted truths, rage, and jealousy……..it seems to me the whole world had gone to the extreme…….nerves are on edge 24/7……….and as a result my brothers and sisters are pushing and shoving themselves and others……….and being the ever opportunistic culture there are those who are greedy enough to make a buck off of this extreme fever that has infected all of us……the media realizes that extreme sells these days………the shock jock can get much more coverage than his/her media moderate….the wackos on the right and the wackos on the left are fighting to be heard……..in the name of WE ARE THE ONES WHO CAN LEAD THE WAY……..actually,I am not sure if any extreme leader can be of benefit to all of us…..I love passion as much as anyone, but there is a very thin line between healthy passion for something and a zealot who has blinders on in the name of any cause……..when intolerance takes the place of compassion it is time to question the extreme leader and take a chill pill….it is time to take a ‘time out’ ……it is time to take a deep breath and relax……..any cause for the good of humanity can turn sour when intolerance for others climbs the ladder and sits on the top rung…..when anger replaces peace……..when others who don’t support YOUR cause become the enemy…….and then YOUR cause becomes a US vs THEM mentality………the media in this neck of the woods has worked this bit of magic to stir the pot of hatred in the name of $……and we are all children that have been mesmerized by the tune of the pied piper that has taken the form of media and is leading us around by its extreme tune of hatred and intolerance…….maybe it is time to wake up and shake the mesmerizing tune of extreme and realize that just because our neighbor doesn’t see the world exactly as I see it that they are not the ENEMY……someone I NEED to pray for since they are obviously going straight to hell…..and if they don’t change their ways I might need to kill them if prayer doesn’t work!!!………this extreme mentality is transforming out neck of the woods into a BIPOLAR COUNTRY……..thank goodness there is a cure for this disease…….it is called tolerance……it comes in a variety of strengths, sizes, and forms……..your assignment is to find the one that best works for YOU…..stop worrying about what your neighbor needs to do be cured of this disease, rather concentrate on your own healing….funny thing…when you start to heal from this deadly disease so will your world…..interesting how that works……when you stop looking for a fight is is amazing how the world responds and also stops looking for a fight as well……when you find peace within yourself others seem more peaceful…….my humble suggestion is to stop praying for someone else and start praying for yourself….stop wishing that your neighbor would see the light and open your own eyes to the light……..stop cursing the wackos who are obviously so misled and start looking within your own heart for your misguided thoughts……..and finally, the greatest pill of all for this disease is to find the humor within yourself …as then you can giggle at yourself and share your giggle with that oh so mislead, misinformed, and misunderstood neighbor who might just be working on themselves and who knows?……maybe you can both start giggling together……………skywalker

A righteous journey usually starts with a meltdown……a meltdown that hurts like hell…..a meltdown that touches your very existence……some call it the dark night of the soul…….whatever you want to call it……It sucks!……..It hurts!…….It leaves you dazed, confused, and covered with anguish……….you know it when it hits……and so does everyone around you……they sense it in you…….and they know you are beginning your righteous journey…..your trip into Alice in wonderland existence where up is down…….down is up……..right is left…….safe is scary……and everything you thought you knew is somehow eliminated……..a place where you are a stranger…….where your demons come to great you and play with you at will……..where life has no meaning……..and where it is a struggle to get to the next minute………It is even a struggle to convince yourself that you even want to get to the next minute………It is a place where your pain and anguish color everything with a black and gray tint……..at first I tried to convince myself that I could ‘think’ my way out of this place……..change my thoughts change my world is what I told myself……..I wanted out so desperately …….and why?……that is simple ……..I didn’t want to feel the unbearable pain……..sorrow…and grief……..but it became very clear to me early on that I was not going to tap dance my way out of this place with my ‘happy thoughts’………I continued on in this place, unable to leave, and unable to control anything……I was powerless……..totally vulnerable to whatever wanted to come my way……vulnerable to my own demons………I soon realized that the harder I tried to leave this place the worse it got..It was like putting on chinese handcuffs…my only semi-relief was to surrender…and even that was short lived………….I kept praying that I would be freed from this pain………I begged……..I pleaded….I made deals……..but my prayers felt on deaf ears…….or so I thought…..I soon began to think that this was a punishment for my past actions….. I was to begin this punishment for whatever bad karma I had gathered…….so again I got down on my knees and prayed for forgiveness and begged to be released from this prison………and once again my prayers went unanswered………or so I thought……..days turned into weeks…weeks turned into months….and months turned into years……….soon though my sorrow turned into anger…….anger at the freak who invented this pile of shit trip……..anger at what had happened to me to trigger my pain…….and my anger allowed me to be the victim…..this eased my pain for a very short time…….then I realized that nothing I could do would ease this pain and get me back to my ‘life’…..then one night while I was up unable to sleep, which happened quite often, something told me to just sit with my pain, to stop trying to push it way……….so I began a long period of time imaging that I had an old folding yard chair and I would just sit there with my pain…often the pain would talk to me…..yell at me……..trying the whole time to get me to react to it………but I just sat there……….didn’t talk back…………didn’t ignore it……..didn’t do a thing except sit……….eventually I got to where I would outlast my demons and they would leave for awhile………they would return, but I felt good for a short time…..then one night as I was just sitting in my lawn chair it came to me…….this was not a punishment……this was not even a ‘bad and terrible’ thing………..It was terribly painful experience, but maybe, just maybe it was a righteous journey into myself……..maybe it was to help me grow….to go beyond what I thought I was and what I could do………maybe the event that triggered my entering this journey was a call from the universe that I was ready to grow…..to go beyond who I was at the time to become a stronger spirit and person……..who knows?………..to this day I tear up when I hear of others who have also gone through this journey or who are now still in this journey…….for I know the pain that they have felt or are now feeling……..and I want to help………but you see, I think this is a journey that they have to face alone……there are no 10 steps of things to do on this journey, for each persons lessons are different…….and each persons way is different on what they need to do in this journey……….for we are all deaf, dumb, and blind on this journey and only we can know what we need to do………….each person’s path on this journey takes a different amount of time…each person’s path is loaded with its own demons, lessons, and comforts……..and only they can work that out…..I can only send them my love………..my warmth……..my desire that they find what they need to find and come out on the other side of this journey to claim their gift………..as I am convinced that everyone that goes through this journey has a wonderful gift waiting for them ………like the caterpillar who enters its cocoon and when that journey is over is transformed into a butterfly with its gift of a new set of wings, we who complete our journey are given our gift and set free……..set free to realize that this was our righteous journey!

Self doubts suck……there is no way around it!!!……and I don’t care who you are, rich/poor, old/young, wise/dumb or even dumber they will come around to check you out……to see what is really going on in that mind of yours…….the past week they have taken up residence in my mind…..pitched a tent…set up shop……and had a full blown self doubt party in my mind……at first I thought that they were just stopping in for a quick visit….i was tired so once I got some sleep and rest they would leave……wrong!……so I started doing everything that Dr. Glen Walter, the Ta Da guy, and supreme commander tells people to do in his inspirational workshops…….guess what?……nothing worked!!!……those self doubts kept munching away at my self confidence…..self doubts suck!!!……by the way, that would make a great bumper sticker!……..so I did the only thing left to do……..I said, “screw it…you guys are here so just make yourself at home and knock yourself out….I will just remind myself who I am and who I was created to be”…..I will just continue to carry on my daily routine with self doubt construction going on in my mind and remember every so often that I was created by divine light to be light……and to share my light with others……we are all here to share our light and love to brighten the way for our fellow ‘self doubters’ who for whatever reason have forgotten or covered up their own light………so I quit trying to get rid of those sucky self doubts……I  quit trying to beat them….to overpower them…….or to trick them into leaving…..I just quietly tried to remember the truth of who I am…….the truth of what I was created to do……and the truth of how we all need to use our light to brighten others’ paths and to use the light of others to brighten our own path……..so thanks self doubt for reminding me of that ………but guys, self doubt still sucks!!!

Relax –This is a perfectly safe journey……….

Smile as though you mean it as it

Will bring a sparkle to your eyes……….

Laugh a lot – cry when necessary……….

Whistle your favorite song……….

Hug a tree……….

Dream your dreams – then smile……….

Pick up someone else’s trash……….

Giggle with children……….

Write a poem to another person……….

Bless everyone and everything……….

Sing to yourself, to a plant, to your dog,

And make it loud……….

Instead of having a pity party,

Clown a hospital……….

Read fairy tales……….

Count your blessings, not your money……….

Relax – You are in good hands……….

Forgive yourself, and then everyone else……….

Face your monsters by sitting in silence

With them, then wink at them……….

Follow your hearts song, and then sing along……..

Sit on your roof and blow bubbles……….

Wear something silly to work……….

Become clueless……….

Believe in miracles and then surrender……….

Give advice only to your goldfish……….

Fix your toaster, not people……….

Smile to everyone in a traffic jam……….

Give your ego a long vacation……….

Occasionally color outside the lines

Of your coloring book and your life……….

Play at everything……….

Look for angels……….

Believe in abundance……….

Give money away, especially to children……….

Have a food fight……….

Relax – Trust the universe for all is well

And under control, not yours, but by The One

Who is much more wise than you……….

And who placed you in this State of Wonderment!

FOR WHATEVER REASON I CALL MY HIGHER POWER ANNIE….WHY?…WHO KNOWS…I JUST LIKE THE NAME AND I DON’T THINK MY HIGHER POWER MINDS WHAT I CALL IT-HER-HIM OR WHATEVER…….SO SEVERAL YEARS AGO I STARTED THE ANNIE THING AND I FEEL REALLY COMFORTABLE WITH IT…..YOU CAN CALL YOUR HIGHER POWER WHATEVER YOU WANT…..AS I COULD CARE LESS ………ANYWAY…..ANNIE AND I HAVE THIS NICE THING GOING ON…..I TALK….ANNIE TALKS……I LISTEN……ANNIE LISTENS…I LAUGH ……ANNIE LAUGHS……SEVERAL MONTHS AGO I GOT MY MARCHING ORDERS TO ’JUST STAND TALL AND WAIT’……….SOUNDS SIMPLE…AND AT FIRST I THOUGHT THAT I CAN DO THIS NO SWEAT!………WHAT’S SO HARD ABOUT JUST STANDING TALL AND WAITING?………IT HAS GONE ON FOR ABOUT 6 MONTHS NOW AND I AM ABOUT TO LOSE MY MIND…..I HAVE DISCOVERED WHAT A CONTROL FREAK I AM…..I HAVE SPENT A LIFETIME TRYING TO ‘MAKE THINGS’ HAPPEN……..SOMETIMES THEY DID AND SOMETIMES THEY DIDN’T……AND WHEN THEY DIDN’T I WOULD GET FRUSTRATED AND TRY HARDER…….I WOULD PUSH, SHOVE, GRUNT, STRAIN, AND GENERALLY PUT MAXIMUM EFFORT INTO LIFE TO MAKE SURE THAT ‘MY’ WILL BE DONE…….ABOUT 3 MONTHS INTO THIS SIMPLE REQUEST FROM ANNIE I REALIZED I WAS LIKE A JUNKIE WHO HAD TO LEAVE HIS DRUG OF CHOICE BEHIND……I HAVE DONE WHAT ANNIE REQUESTED AND STOPPED THE PHYSICAL EFFORTS OF ‘MY WILL BE DONE’…BUT THE LAST SEVERAL MONTHS I HAVE REALIZED THAT I HAVE CONTINUED THE MENTAL PRACTICE OF ‘MY WILL BE DONE’ BY THE THINKING THAT IF ONLY I COULD ACT I COULD TO THIS, AND THIS, AND THIS, AND THIS……ETC….I WOULD MENTALLY MOVE MY WORLD AROUND TO HAVE IT FIT ‘MY WILL’………..I WAS GETTING MY ‘CONTROL FIX’ MENTALLY……..SO SEVERAL WEEKS AGO I HAVE BEGUN TRYING TO EVEN LET THE MENTAL ASPECT OF ‘MY WILL BE DONE’ GO ……….AND SIMPLY JUST STALL AND WAIT…..THIS MY FRIENDS HAS BEEN A REAL STRAIN………SUCH A SIMPLE REQUEST BY ANNIE HAS TURNED INTO ONE OF THE HARDEST THINGS I HAVE EVER TRIED TO DO….NOTICE I SAID ‘TRIED’ TO DO?…….I CAN’T SAY I HAVE DONE IT YET…BUT I WILL CONTINUE TO ATTEMPT TO JUST STAND TALL AND WAIT……..LAST NIGHT I REALIZED THAT I HAVE HAD TO PUT ALL MY EGGS INTO ANNIE’S BASKET……I NO LONGER CAN COLLECT MY EGGS AND PUT THEM INTO MY OWN BASKET AND ADMIRE WHAT ‘I ‘ HAVE DONE!!!……..MY BASKET IS EMPTY…..COMPLETELY EMPTY……AND THAT SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME…….WHAT IF I HAVE NO MORE EGGS PUT INTO MY BASKET?…….WHAT IF I AM ALONE THE REST OF MY LIFE?  WHAT IF I DON’T GET ANY MORE WORKSHOPS?  WHAT IF I DON’T GET MY POEMS PUBLISHED? WHAT IF I DON’T LOSE THIS WEIGHT? WHAT IF? WHAT IF? WHAT IF?….I FIND MYSELF ‘WHAT IFF-ING’ ALL THE FRIGGEN TIME….LAST NIGHT AS I WAS ABOUT TO SLEEP ANNIE ASKED ME IF I TRUST IN A HIGHER POWER MORE THAN ME? SHE ASKED ME IF I BELIEVED THAT MY HIGHER POWER HAS ONLY MY BEST INTEREST AT HEART AND LOVES ME MORE THAN I WILL EVER UNDERSTAND? I HAD TO BE HONEST AND SAY “WELL ANNIE….I MUST, AS I AM DOING WHAT YOU HAVE ASKED ME TO DO…BUT I AM SCARED! REALLY SCARED!……ANNIE LAUGHED……..THEN SHE SAID ‘RELAX SKYWALKER AS I HAVE YOU SURROUNDED WITH MY LIGHT, LOVE, AND GIGGLES”…..I SAID ‘THANKS ANNIE, BUT MY BASKET IS EMPTY!”…….ANNIE GIGGLED AGAIN AND SAID ‘LOOK AGAIN SKYWALKER’…….AND BEFORE I WENT OFF TO SLEEP I HEARD ANNIE WHISPER ‘HEY SKYWALKER, WATCH THIS!!!!!”…………..SKYWALKER